Holding On and Letting Go
by Niyin
Summary: „You know I will stop you." Morgana just laughed, giving him her most beautiful menacing smirk as she examined his weak form on the floor, almost pitying his last feeble attempts to get up. "And how will you do that, Merlin?" (whump and BAMF!Merlin, rated M for mention of torture)


**Author's Note:**

**Hi everyone:)  
Yup, I should probably work on one of my other fanfics right now. They haven't been updated for quite a while. But inspiration decided to gift me another plotbunny- or well, one that forced me to finish a story I had been working on a few months ago. So here it is. I don't really like the ending (too abrupt in my opinion), so please tell me what you think/ how to make it better...  
This is a oneshot (nor now- there's always the possibility to continue, if one day I have finished said other fanfics).  
The titel is taken from the song 'Holding On and Letting Go' by Ross Copperman.  
Enjoy and please R&R! :)  
**

**Disclaimer: Don't own.**

* * *

**Holding On and Letting Go**

„You know I will stop you."

She just laughed, giving him her most beautiful menacing smirk as she examined his weak form on the floor, almost pitying his last feeble attempts to get up.

"And how will you do that, Merlin?"

Her voice was taunting, strong. Full of the power she should never have come to understand. It was his fault, but he had paid. He was still paying.

* * *

"_I should've listened to you. Should never have trusted Morgana."_

_The dragon sighed, observing him with old and wise eyes_. _"You did what you felt was right, and that shows great courage. But trust is a double edged sword"._

Merlin smiled at him, a bitter smile without happiness. "I thought...because she has magic, I thought we were the same."

"You have learnt an important lesson, Merlin. Your determination to see goodness in people will be your undoing. But I fear that your futures are now joined forever." Kilgarrah paused for a moment, eying him sadly. "She is the darkness to your light, the hatred to your love."

* * *

Maybe if he had helped her more instead of less. Could he have shown her the beauty, the _gift_ magic was? Would she have understood?

Merlin shook his head, trying to clear his mind from the futile thoughts. It was too late now anyway. There was nothing either of them could do to change destiny.

Still, he had to try one more time.

"Please, Morgana."

For a moment everything went silent, both listening behind the quiet plea. A small frown appeared on Morgana's face as she narrowed her eyes at him, the question evident. _Why now?_

He had refused to beg for the whole time, endeavouring to keep one last bit of dignity. A proof that she hadn't broken him, long after his breaking point.

So why now?

"Please, it doesn't have to end this way. Remember the times when we were friends. When you would have died for me and I for you. It could be like that again."

* * *

"_Merlin?"_

_It was more a question than a statement, the delighted smile grazing her lips only a second as she opened the door. He returned the smile with a small bow._

"_My Lady. I wanted to check you were okay."_

"_I'm fine."_

_The answer came immediately and without a second thought, made to calm and get rid of unwanted attention rather than to tell the truth. However Morgana seemed to hesitate, unsure how to continue._

"_What was said at the woods-"_

"_You can trust me, Morgana" the young warlock assured her promptly, flashing her another comforting smile. "I won't tell anyone."_

_The lady relaxed for the first time, her eyes shining with trust. A strange warmth seemed to fill Merlin at the smile, so full of faith. It made him want to help her even more, to protect her from Uther and Camelot and show her the truth. How beautiful magic really was._

"_Thank you, Merlin. I now know who I really am. And it isn't something to be scared of. Maybe one day people will come to see magic as a force for good."_

_Morgana didn't notice that she had taken the word right out of Merlin's mouth as they shared a warm smile, both glad that everything had turned out well._

"_Um..." He paused, unsure how to express his feelings. A part of him just wanted to tell her then and there, but Merlin suppressed it, settling on an easy answer. "It's good to have you back."_

"_Thank you, Merlin. Sleep well."_

* * *

Had she already been lying then, planning to overthrow Uther and destroy them all? He wouldn't- no, couldn't believe it. This was still Morgana, after all she had done.

"It's too late now, Merlin. There was a time when I was alone and begging for you, for _anyone_ to help me. But that time has gone by. And it was you who killed it. Who killed _me_."

Her face contorted with anger and pain at the memory and Merlin couldn't help but stretch a hand in her direction, still wanting to spend comfort. He recoiled instantly when he noticed what he was doing and Morgana sneered, giving him a scornful look.

"Who is it who needs help now? Are you still waiting for your good Prince to come?"

She read the answer in his eyes, tssking pityingly.

"Poor little Merlin. He won't come this time. You know, he has already forgotten you. Hired another servant, a _replacement_."

Her cruel laugh filled the clearing as he flinched, reatreating instictively. He had to get to his feet and fight. Arthur wouldn't just leave him. They were friends, after all...

_But then, where is he?,_ a small and no less gruesome voice demanded. _It's been nearly two weeks now. Surely he would have found a way to save you by now, if he truly wanted to?_

_He will come,_ Merlin told the voice, doing his best not to show the sudden uncertainty. _Arthur wouldn't just leave me._

"Oh, but he has."

It took him a moment to notice that it was Morgana's voice who had answered. He must have spoken aloud. Cursing, the young warlock tried once again to get to his feet, only to fall back when red hot pain soared through his right ankle. His back protested violently at the hard contact with the floor and he yelped in pain, ignoring Morgana's cheerful laugh. So much pain...

* * *

_Unconsciousness was dark and scary, but the waking was even worse. _

_Merlin groaned and tried to shift, to find out what had happened, but to his annoyance realised that he couldn't. Someone had bound him with a chain, pressing his arms hard against his hurting ribs and forcing the legs together. There was no way he would be able to move like this, even if his ribs didn't hurt with every breathe and his head felt like bursting._

_Scanning the room, the young warlock felt his mood deteriorating steadily._

_Morgana's hut._

_Slowly, the memories of the last few hours returned, causing him to sigh in irritation. He had been caught._

_It should have been a simple hunting trip, but apparentlywith Arthur nothing was simple- hunting least of all._ _Something was _bound_ to go wrong. This time it had been bandits, as was often the case. Only _this_ time they had used magic. Had fought with balls of fire and ice, with the earth itself and pure darkness. Still, he had managed to safe Arthur- cause a landslide in the gorge his Prince had just passed- and hold them off long enough. Until a stone hit his head and he had collapsed, only to wake here._

_So it had been Morgana's men. Great. Simply great._

_It was then that the door opened and the witch herself entered, her beautiful black hair tousled, clad in a torn black dress- barely recognizeable from the Morgana he had known in Camelot, if it wasn't for her eyes. They were still the same, except for the slightly crazed, manic look in them- still cunning and clever and powerful._

"_Merlin!" she welcomed him like an old friend. He only eyed her warily and she laughed, a sound like breaking glass."Oh, come on. It has been so long since we were last able to talk. We have a lot of catching up to do."_

_He didn't answer, pressing his lips together, and the witch cocked her head._

"_When did we last meet? Oh, I think I remember. Wasn't it when you condemned my sister to a slow and painful death, thwarted my plans to take over Camelot, and forced me to live in a hovel?"_

_Finally, he met her gaze, smiling slightly as he answered. "Couldn't do me a favour, could you? Let Arthur know he still thinks of me of an underachiever, but I'm quite proud of those accomplishments. __I can die happy."_

_His words caused Morgana to laugh once again, cruel and harsh._ _"You're not going to die." _

_She must have seen the surprise in his eyes, for she stepped forward, reaching out to trace a line on his cheek and smirking when he tried to duck away, to no avail. A smirk that promised pain and revenge._

"_Oh, no. I'm not going to make it that easy."_

* * *

Merlin flinched when a shadow fell on him, Morgana stepping closer, observing him. He knew by her smile that she could tell what his flashback had been about. She could always tell.

"Morgana..." he tried again, but the witch cut him off.

"No, Merlin. There has already been way too much talking. Let's stop all this, shall we? I know you want to stop the pain. It's so easy. Just give in."

She bend down next to him, her breath caressing his cheek. "Join me."

* * *

_It had been mere hours after he had woken, when he had first tried to use his magic. Morgana had left him alone to do whatever the witch did all day and he had struggled to sit up, whispering the words to unlock the chains. "__Opene __þé__."_

The chains constricted painfully around him, suffocating him. They only loosened when he was near unconscious, leaving him gasping for air. Weakened.

The witch had put him in magical chains, invented to keep sorcerers at bay.

For a moment Merlin just lay there, searching for his magic, but only finding emptiness. It was then that he knew he was truly lost.

* * *

"Never."

At the beginning he had still spat the word in her face, full of contempt, but now it was barely more than a broken whisper. And Morgana heard the difference, knew how weak he was, how close to breaking. She loved to go to the limits of his capacity, of his strength, and then further. Loved to break him. Teasingly, lightly. So much like her brother...

And Arthur wasn't here. Had got a replacement, Morgana had told him, most likely George- ever-perfect bootlicker George.

_Where was he?_

The witch leaned back, standing, towering over him, her expression turning from lovingly to cruel.  
"It wasn't a request, Merlin." She started to pace, drawing circles around his lying form. Merlin was completely still, only slightly shivering from the cold. Finally, she paused at his head, glaring down on him. "You know I can hurt you…"

* * *

_Her voice, almost gently, whispering. Always followed by unbelievable pain.  
__  
"__Ábíete __hine, __ ámæw hine, ábríete hine."  
__Strike him, cut him, break him, tear him to pieces._

And her magic had obeyed.

* * *

"...and still you refuse my generous offer. Why?"

"You would hurt Arthur" Merlin answered finally, after a long moment of silence. "I can't let anyone hurt him."

"Oh."

The realization made her face brighten, her teeth showing as she grinned, kneeling next to him to stroke his forehead and rumple up his hair. He didn't have the strength to fight back, or even turn away.

"Oh, Merlin. My poor boy. But I won't hurt Arthur, if you don't want me to. If you join me, we'll be partners. You are Arthur's closest friend, that's why I've chosen you- you will incapacitate him somehow, to allow me to take over Camelot. Once I'm Queen, I have no use for my brother or you. You will be free to leave, do whatever you want to. Arthur must never know that it was you who helped me. You can still be friends."

The words light a fire in him, a fire of traitorous relief.

_He can make the pain stop. He can make the pain stop without hurting Arthur- and later, when Morgana will be on the throne, they would be able to get Camelot back. Arthur would still be the Once and Future King._

Merlin wet his lips, trying to find the catch. There had to be one. It was to good to be true.

He found none.

"Do you promise?"

His voice was urgent and Morgana nodded seriously. "Of course. I get the kingdom, you get Arthur."

"Alright."

The word had left his lips almost too quickly, too easily, after weeks of pain that would forever haunt his memories and dreams. But Morgana seemed to take it as she nodded, slowly, a genuine smile spreading on her face. "Welcome on my side, then."

"Unchain me."

His voice was getting stronger, surer with the promise of freedom. No pain anymore. Morgana frowned, the beautiful smile disappearing. "What?"

"Unchain me. If I join you, you can't keep me bound. What do you have to fear, anyways?"

He knew what state he was in- too weak to stand. She knew it, too. "Of course."

Her fingers were gentle when she reached for the lock, eyes flashing golden just once, and the chains fell away.

It was like he could breathe again, after holding his breath for weeks. Like a weight was lifted from his chest, making him so light he felt like he would fly away any moment. Energy cursing through his veins, pure _life_, washing all the pain and regrets away and replacing it with calm peace.

Merlin sighed, relaxing for the first time, his eyes closing all by themselves as the rush of power lifted him above the world. Only to let him drop again.

He opened his eyes again, feeling slightly dejected- and then gaped. The colours had returned to the world. Everything looked so bright and clear, almost iridescent, like a fairytale-world...  
And there was Morgana, watching him with narrowed eyes that were quickly replaced with a smile when she noticed his gaze.

"Happy?" He didn't answer, but she didn't expect him to. "Now, this is the plan. You tell Arthur that you were captured and tortured by me-" Merlin couldn't quite hide his flinch and the witch shushed, waiting until he had calmed down before she continued. "And you show him the way here, to my hovel. Tell him to bring all his knights with him. Your only job is to keep him from returning to Camelot until I have conquered it. Then you two can do whatever you want. All clear?"

Somehow, the plan sounded wrong now, with the new light that surrounds him. Like she didn't mean it. Like she wanted to have them out of the way, only to kill them at the next opportunity. Merlin frowned. "No."

Morgana looked like he had struck her, staring down on him. Flabbergasted. "What do you mean, no?"

"No. I won't join you. I will never join you, Morgana."

Slowly he stood, swaying for a moment, until his legs got accustumed to the weight. Morgana watched him, slowly truning from pale to a brilliant red- so much ressembling her father, the father she would never acknowledge having.

"Do you know what you are saying?"

"Yes" Merlin answered, without a second's hesitation. "You have become cruel and evil, Morgana. I am sorry."

"You are _sorry_?" she repeated, voice shaking with suppressed anger and disbelief. "_You _are _sorry_?"

"Yes. I tried to help you, to save you, but I didn't manage. And now you will have to pay for my errors."

Morgana laughed, desperately cold and harsh. "Oh, Merlin. What can you possibly do to me?"

He didn't answer, but only faced her, waited until her laughter died down and she turned serious again, before he lifted his hand and pointed at her. "Bind híe." _Bind her._

A string of pure magic shot out, but the witch managed to duck away in the last possible second, falling to the ground. It occurred to him how they had switched roles, but he couldn't bring himself to find it amusing.

"You..." Morgana's voice hitched, her breath laboured, and she tried again. "You have magic!"

Merlin nodded slowly. Sadly. _If she had realized sooner, if he had told her, what would have happened? _  
He suppressed the thought, not allowing himself to ponder over the same question again.

"Ábric hine!"

The warlock almost flinched, expecting the pain her magic had brought him during those past few weeks, but his magic acted on its own- forming a translucent shield around him as if it was the easiest thing in the world. In some ways, it was.

Morgana's magic, that had brought him so much agony, glanced off harmlessly. She frowned, staring at her hand, at the magic that was being reflected so easily- she knew how powerful she was. Merlin could see the exact moment when realization dawned her.

"You are Emrys."  
Her voice sounded hollow and the warlock gulped.

"That's what the druids call me" he acknowledged, watching Morgana pale until she had turned a deadly white.

"She said you were my destiny" she whispered, hands fisting. "And my doom... ábradwe hine!"

_Kill him. _More desperately this time. It didn't help her. Merlin's magic was powerful, wanted to be freed after having been locked away for so long. It fought off her power like it was nothing and covered her, restrained her until she was unable to move, to do magic.

"I'm sorry for neglecting to help you" Merlin explained softly, "but not for what I have to do know. You deserve it, and far more. Bind híe æfre." _Bind her forever._

The witch only glared at him and he almost still felt sorry, if it wasn't for the memory of the past few weeks. As it was, he only watched as his magic lifted her high into the air, holding her gently like an infant, mingling with her own magic. He watched as she turned transparent, eyes now wide and pleading fixed on him, even though she couldn't speak, and then her form disappeared altogether and nothing was left but a swirl of colours.

He spread his fingers, telling his magic what to do as his hands modelled something new from the beautiful colours- the parts of her soul that she had hidden away, that weren't evil and corrupted. After an endless time that felt like no time at all, Merlin finally lowered his hands to look at his work.

Where Morgana had been, there was now a tree- a maple, the leaves jagged like small knifes- dangerous-looking but beautiful. It showed her character, he supposed.

Suddenly feeling lonely and very tired, the warlock sat down and put his head in his hands, staring at the tree. He knew how Morgana had felt, even if it didn't justify her actions. The pain of being alone, having to live in fear... it was hard. To hide who you truly were, all that power.

Yes, he could understand her, sort of. But Merlin had meant what he had said to her so long ago- they could have found another way.

With a sigh the warlock stood, still facing the tree. Camelot was waiting for him, even when her Master didn't- if he didn't. Merlin took a small step forward, one hand trailing across the bark of the maple.

"Goodbye, Morgana. Good luck."

He looked up into the branches, smiling silently as an idea crossed his mind. If he could do one thing, it was to assure that she would never be alone. After all, her soul- the pure parts that were left- were still those of the Morgana he had known. Of the beautiful, stubborn girl with a good heart and a desire to help. Not the witch that had tortured him.

Merlin stretched his hand out, whispering words of the Old Religion under his breath. Suddenly, the air above his palm shimmered, as if it was hot, and then changed, a small bird with dark blue feathers appearing.

It looked around curiously, before opening its wings and flying to sit on the lowest branch. Merlin nodded contentedly. "Guard her well."

With a last sigh, the warlock nodded and turned round- stopping abruptly when he spotted a figure a few metres away, standing still and stiff as they stared at him. Blond hair caught the light of the sun and flashed golden, trying to outshine the golden crest on the man's cloak. Two pairs of blue eyes widened in pure shock as they met.

"...Merlin?"

* * *

***evil laugh* Poor Merlin...**

**What do you think about the ending and the story in general? **

**Important note: ****This is especially for those who read another one of my fanfics.  
In a few days I'll go away for two months. I'm not sure if I will be able to write at all during that time- most likely not. I hope you don't mind too much... (I'll also post an A/N saying this to all of my current fics.)**

**See you ASAP! :)  
**


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